By:  David Othus

 

We’ve all heard the saying “Honesty is the best policy” and while this may be true, it is not always easy to tell the truth. Many times the truth involves hurting someone’s feelings or ripping limbs from someone’s self esteem so we end up lying with the justification that you are just protecting their feelings.

I, myself, have been in situations where I had kept the truth from one of my very best friends. Back then, we were still in high school and we were going out, she got dressed and asked me what I thought about her outfit. In all honestly it was awful but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I told her she looked beautiful because I figured it wouldn’t hurt to keep my opinion to myself. When we got to the party, they started to make fun of her instantly; long and short of story is, she spent the night hiding in the bathroom crying. Maybe this humiliation could have been avoided if I had just told her the truth.

I know this may be much less drastic than what you may have been through but what we do not realize is that, we are doing so much more harm when we withhold the truth and if we really cared about someone, we should want to tell them, especially if it’s bad, no matter what. However, in many cases the truth comes out harsh even if we did not intend for it to be that way; only a very few people have been able to find a way to tell the truth tactfully. Here are a few pointers that could help you find that middle ground:

  1. Make yourself vulnerable. If this situation had something to do with you too then share the blame or be honest about your own weaknesses. Say things like “don’t worry; this has happened to me too”. They are much more likely to connect with you if they feel as though you are on their side so show warmth and empathy.
  2. Don’t do it in public. Put it this way, would you really want someone to point out something potentially embarrassing about you in a crowd of people? No, of course not. Being in the wrong setting could cause someone to lash out without hearing what you have to say because they are too embarrassed to listen to the rest. Try to speak to them alone, if that isn’t possible then keep your voice low, whisper is you must.
  3. Before pouncing on someone with the cold, hard truth, give them a little heads up. “we need to talk and it’s really important”, “I know this might offend you but…”, saying things like these have the amazing power to prepare the mind for the absolute worst, so that when your truth comes out, it would seem so bad anymore because you already subconsciously prepped their mind for it.
  4. Skip all the nonsense and be as specific as possible. Don’t leave them wondering if there is anything else you may have left out; this could ruin a person’s self esteem even more if you leave out details of tell them half truths. Think about the questions they might have in their head before hand, so when the time comes you can honestly tell them that there is nothing else you are hiding. This softens the impact.
  5. Think about this, do you really have to say this? Is it my place to say this? Will it help anything? Being honest sometimes isn’t justification enough to make someone feel bad so if you ask yourself these questions and the answer is yes, then follow up the truth with constructive advice. If your opinion does not necessarily sit well with the other person say things like “I think it would help to…” instead of “I don’t like it, you should do this instead…” this way, they would see it as an attack, but rather a willingness to help.

Telling the truth is something that we all need to make a habit out of and, like everything else there is a right and wrong way to do so.

Remember that honesty is indeed the basis of all strong, lasting and healthy relationships. Honesty fuels trust and lack of trust is the main reason relationships do not last. Realize that telling a “little white lie” may not be so “little” in the long run and understand that yes, you may feel the need to protect their feelings but this could destroy your relationship if ever the truth does come out later on.

 

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